As parents, we sometimes make decisions on autopilot, based on quick judgements, societal expectations, or old habits. And sometimes, these decisions can have consequences we don’t fully understand in the moment.
This happened to me recently when I almost discouraged my daughter from expressing her individuality. She wanted to wear odd socks to school, a small yet quirky act that she loves to do, and one that I usually embrace. It’s her way of showing the world who she is. But on this day, it was school photo day, and suddenly, I found myself saying no.
The reason? Honestly, it was my own sense of conservatism—my instinct to “fit in” and avoid standing out on an important day like this. But as soon as the words left my mouth, I felt uneasy. What had just happened? I was going against one of my own deepest values: the belief in celebrating individuality. More importantly, I was potentially crushing my daughter’s confidence by not supporting her choice.
It was a humbling moment, but also one filled with lessons. It reminded me that living by our values isn’t always easy, but it’s essential for our own confidence and the confidence of those around us. And it made me reflect on how much confidence and values are intertwined.
The Subtle Ways We Undermine Confidence
Confidence doesn’t always break down in one dramatic moment. More often, it’s chipped away in small, almost invisible ways. In this case, by telling my daughter to conform—on something as simple as socks—I was sending a message: “Your choices aren’t quite right. You need to change to be acceptable.”
These are the kinds of moments where confidence begins to falter, especially in children. Confidence grows when we allow individuality to flourish. It shrinks when we try to fit into boxes created by others or by society. By asking her to swap those odd socks for something more “appropriate,” I was unintentionally contributing to that shrinking.
As adults, we’ve experienced this too. How often have we been told to “tone it down,” “fit in,” or “play it safe”? These are the voices that hold us back from embracing our own confidence, and they often start with well-meaning but misguided advice like the one I gave my daughter.
The Link Between Confidence and Values
Here’s the thing: confidence is not just about feeling good in the moment. It’s about knowing who you are, what you stand for, and then living in alignment with those values. When we live by our values, our confidence naturally grows, because we’re standing on a foundation of authenticity and self-belief.
When I realised I was going against my values by discouraging my daughter’s choice, it felt uncomfortable. And this discomfort stemmed from one thing: I wasn’t living in alignment with my values at that moment. I pride myself on fostering individuality and independence—two values that are central to my life and my work as a coach. So when I contradicted those values, my own sense of confidence took a hit.
Living by your values is key to feeling fulfilled and confident as an individual. When you honour your values, you build a sense of integrity and trust in yourself. You begin to believe in the decisions you make, the way you present yourself, and the choices you stand by. And that is where real, lasting confidence comes from.
Values as a Compass for Confidence
Each of us has a unique set of values that guides our lives. For me, values like independence, individuality, and honesty are essential. These values are my compass—they guide my decisions, shape my actions, and help me show up authentically. When I’m aligned with these values, I feel confident, strong, and grounded. When I stray from them, I feel off-balance, uncertain, and less sure of myself.
One of the most powerful things we can do is identify our values and use them as a guide. This is true whether you’re starting a new business, navigating parenthood, or making decisions about your career. When you know your values, you have a clear sense of what matters to you, and that clarity boosts your confidence in every aspect of life.
So, how do we know what our values are? And how can we live by them more consistently?
Discovering Your Values
If you’ve never really thought about your values, or if you’re unsure what they are, don’t worry—it’s a process of discovery. And it’s worth spending time on because once you’re clear on your values, everything else starts to fall into place.
Here are some simple steps to help you uncover your values:
Reflect on past experiences – Think about times in your life when you felt fulfilled, proud, or deeply connected to something. What was happening? What were you doing? Who were you with? These moments often align with your core values.
Identify what frustrates you – Conversely, think about times when you’ve felt frustrated, disappointed, or out of sync. Often, these moments arise when our values are being compromised. Understanding these triggers can give insight into what’s important to you.
Ask yourself questions – What do you believe in? What drives your decisions? What makes you feel most yourself? These questions can help clarify your values.
Check for patterns – After reflecting on these moments, look for patterns. What themes come up consistently? These patterns are often the indicators of your most deeply held values.
Once you’ve identified your values, you can begin the work of making sure they guide your actions and decisions in a conscious way.
Living by Your Values Builds Confidence
Once you know your values, the next step is to live by them, even when it’s hard. This means making decisions based on what’s truly important to you, not what’s expected by others.
For example, one of my values is independence. I’ve always known that I needed to forge my own path in life, even when it didn’t align with what others thought was “normal” or “safe.” My journey hasn’t always been easy, but sticking to this value has helped me develop a strong sense of confidence in my choices. I trust myself more because I know I’m living according to what matters most to me.
It’s the same for individuality. I’ve always been comfortable making decisions about my appearance, my work, and my life that might seem unconventional to others. I’m proud of that. It’s part of who I am, and it’s a value I hold dearly. But this recent experience with my daughter reminded me how easy it can be to slip out of alignment with our values, especially when we’re influenced by societal pressures or expectations.
The real work comes in catching yourself in those moments, realigning with your values, and making a choice that supports them.
Teaching Our Children Confidence
As parents, one of the most important gifts we can give our children is the confidence to be themselves. This starts with us—by modelling what it looks like to live by our values and embrace our own individuality. It’s about showing them that confidence comes from within, from knowing who you are and being proud of it.
I realised that morning that, by asking my daughter to conform, I was missing an opportunity to teach her this valuable lesson. Instead of encouraging her to express herself, I was unintentionally telling her to hide it. But now, I’m committed to doing better—to supporting her confidence and individuality, just as I’ve worked hard to embrace my own.
Living Confidently, Living Fully
At the end of the day, confidence is about more than just feeling good in your skin. It’s about living a life that aligns with your deepest values. It’s about making decisions that reflect who you truly are and trusting yourself enough to stand by them.
If you’ve been feeling unfulfilled or unsure of yourself, it’s worth taking the time to explore your values. Because when you live by them, confidence follows naturally. You feel grounded in who you are, and that’s a powerful thing.
Remember, living by your values is not only the foundation of confidence—it’s the key to living a fulfilled, authentic life.
